Last night, I went out by myself before my Weight Watchers meeting. My husband started to go with me 2 weeks ago and it has been really nice to have him going and do this together. But…Monday nights used to be my time away. I’d leave when he got home from work, go run errands or read quietly by myself, go to my meeting. Basically, just have an evening to myself. So this week, I decided to at least leave the house as soon as he got home from work and meet him at the meeting – that would give me a good 45 minutes alone.

When I have “time alone/away,” my intention is always to go read by myself somewhere. This always translates to EAT and read by myself somewhere. It’s one of the biggest things that I need to work on because eating and spending money are always my activities of choice and there is SO MUCH MORE OUT THERE that I’m missing out on! {Namely: moving my body!}

So, where am I going with this? Here I am, having alone time, wanting to read and I go to my favorite coffee shop. It also has a sandwich area and bakery. It’s completely habit, but I decided to get dinner. Even though I’m on.my.way.to.a.WEIGHT WATCHERS MEETING.

This is my trigger point.

This is my trigger point.

This is my trigger point.

Do I not get that???

Yet I continue to make the same choices. The point where I need to make the choice to have a cup of coffee, a cup of tea, a soda, iced tea – something other than food that I don’t even need.

So, I got the food. Chips. A sandwich. To a normal person, it wouldn’t be a huge deal. To me, it is. It’s the food I eat mindlessly, the food that’s not healthy, the food that I didn’t need in the first place.  Not only do I eat it, but I take it and go sit in the most hidden corner I can find. Just in case someone I know might see me, especially someone in my WW meeting that’s right down the street.

Eating in a shameful way is the worst. It’s the way that I eat so many meals. In the car going through a fast food place(and wishing that I don’t know the person in the window because I’ve been there so many times). Before I go to an event or situation with new people who I’m nervous will judge me for my weight. After my kids are down for their naps in the afternoon and I can sit and eat without anyone else around.

I am an adult. It does not matter what anyone else thinks of me, let alone what they think about what I’m eating. But I can’t shake that feeling in public of being hyperaware that someone is looking at what I’m eating and thinking, “She does NOT need to be eating that!” Probably because I know in my mind that it’s something that I don’t need, but I project it onto others who probably could care less in the first place because they’re thinking about themselves as well.  If someone is actually judging me:

1. They probably know me and just wonder what’s going on with me to cause me to gain so much weight.
2. They probably just want to see me get healthier/happier/taking care of myself(and I’m clearly not.)
3. Both of the above.

So, I ate in the corner. And I don’t want to do it ever again. Regardless of what I’m eating, it’s my choice to make and I’m the only one I need to answer to!