YOU, beautiful YOU, need to read this post.

Here’s the thing: What you think or perceive about where I am in my weight loss journey doesn’t matter. Whether you think I’m huge, obese, small, cute, ugly, beautiful is all relative. It’s not about what anyone else would think of what I put into my mouth or how the clothes I wear fit me. It’s about how I feel. It’s about the psychological aspects of all of this that matter so very much.  This is something that I have to come to terms with very slowly and that I still struggle with on a daily basis.

When I talk about my struggles with weight with people, often I get the comment, “But you have two babies!”  The funny thing is that when I was pregnant and right after is when I  was eating the healthiest and at my lowest weights that I’ve been in years. I had some fantastic morning sickness that lasted 24/7 through my entire first pregnancy and most of my second. With my first, I lost 30 lbs in the first 16 weeks until the doctor put me on meds so that I could b a functional human being on a daily basis. I weighed less the day I went to the hospital to have her than I did before I got pregnant. I then lost another 40 lbs within a month of having her with no effort. Then I got to enjoy having my gallbladder removed in part because of the extreme loss and gain that I had experienced in just a matter of months. With my second pregnancy, I lost 20 lbs in the firs 10ish weeks, got some meds sooner than the last time and again went to the hospital to have him weighing less than I did before I got pregnant. Then I lost another 25ish pounds within a month of having him.

The following pictures may not look like a huge difference to your eyes, but to me they’re huge. They’re the difference of a fluctuation in about 60 lbs, the difference of being very close to 200lbs and the difference of fitting into clothing that I can buy in a normal-sized clothing store without feeling like a human sausage. The difference of not feeling uncomfortable in my own skin and being able to fit better into seats in public and booths in a restaurant.

After Pregnancy #1:

3 Months Later:

1 Month Before Pregnancy #2:

Right After Pregnancy #2:

3 Months (and some AWESOME PPD) after that:

Now:

Setting realistic goals is a huge part of this journey. I sometimes stop and think about how much I’d need to lose to get to my ultimate goal. It’s daunting and overwhelming. I know that I need to keep that as a long-term goal, but I also need to remember how good even a 1 or 2 or 3 lb loss feels. And how great it feels to fit into clothing just one size smaller. And that all of this is going to happen one baby step at a time.

I’m witnessing my almost 1 year old son learn to walk right now. It’s funny how we think of babies in terms of what they can or cannot do. In reality, it’s never that black and white – just like weight loss. For a very few babies, one day they get up, take steps and take off walking. But for most, it’s a gradual process. First they stand up on their own. Then a few days or weeks later, they tentatively put out their foot and realize that they can transfer their balance and weight to that foot. Then they launch themselves forward a few times trying to do this. Then they try and just drop to their knees because crawling is still just so much more efficient. Then they start to slowly make their way through their worlds holding onto things while walking much more quickly. Then they let go of holding on and take one step to a close object (or maybe to you if you’re lucky!). Then, when they’re not paying attention one day, they just take another step…and then another…then fall. Suddenly they’re taking 3 or 4 or 5 steps in a row with a big smile on their faces! Talk about Taking Baby Steps. While all of this is considered “walking,” it’s still taking tiny steps over the course of a few days or weeks or months until they’re actually using walking as their main form of transportation.

So, I’m keeping it in perspective. Focusing on the positive changes and using them as a catalyst for more changes in my life. Not perfection, but one small step at a time over time is going to get me healthier and feeling better – and THAT is truly the ultimate goal, regardless of any number on the scale.

Things I’m Doing Well/Better:

• I’ve cut back massively on my diet soda consumption in the past 2-ish months. I could easily drink a 2 liter bottle i na day or two and now I never buy it while I grocery shop and if I want it, I’ve called John on his way home from work to get it. So maybe a bottle every two weeks now and I let myself get it if I go out to eat.
• Education. I have done so much in the way of reading and exploring educating myself about food in many ways. food for myself, food for my family, wholesome and nutritious meals that are relatively fast to pull together. Documentaries. Just generally filling myself with information to stay motivated.
• We have many more veggies in the house.
• We have tons less junk in the house. Mostly, we have hardly any, but I still slip sometimes. I’d say that 90% of the time, though, I’m better about knowing what foods I just CANNOT have around and keeping them away completely.
• We’ve started a garden!! I seriously cannot even begin to put into words how amazing this feels. Learning about growth and connecting to where our food is coming from just feels so good and right and motivating and generally like a breath of fresh air!
• Reading tons on the psychological aspects of changing habits and mentalities surrounding food and unhealthy lifestyle choices. Next up is going to be to get myself to a good counselor, I’m just having a hard time reconciling the cost in our very very tight budget right now. So, in the interim, I’m at least trying to do some deep reading and going through some cognitive behavior therapy techniques and exercises to keep myself on my toes.
• I’ve been just telling myself “NO” when the need-for-instant-gratification hits and leads me in the direction of junk. It’s amazing how it actually works!

Things I Need to Work On:

• Drive Thrus. Oh Lordy Lordy LORDY. I’m better – so much better than I have been in the past. But they suck me in like no other mindless habit in my life!
• Eating in front of the tv and especially in front of the computer.
• Portion sizes. I can do all of the learning and reading I want – I need to STOP putting so much food into my mouth!
• Exercise. I need to do a lot more of it. A LOT.
• I need to stop getting drinks when I go to work. I work part-time in the evenings and on the weekends and it’s killer to go through a drive thru or just get a drink. Most of the time it’s just a diet soda(Hey- there’s a Sonic and they have fountain Diet Dr.Pepper, man!) but it’s still usually a habit and not a treat and I need water so much more.

So there you have it. There’s plenty more that I’m changing for the better and that I need to change on a much larger scale. I’m just keeping in mind that his is a journey and I’m in it to change and feel better physically and emotionally, not just to lose weight and continue a cycle of losing and gaining.

I’ve been spending quite a bit of time on food research lately to understand exactly what it is that I’m putting into my body(and my family’s bodies). This is the book that sparked it all for me 5 years ago(can it really be that long??) and I decided to re-visit, knowing how much it moved me. It began my desire to not just lose weight, but to learn about and appreciate the fuel that I eat daily. It also sparked for me an intense desire to understand the larger global impact of the food that we eat and that we can so readily access here in the U.S. It was an incredible introduction for me because Jane Goodall is amazing – her gentle nature and  beautiful voice convey the things that she discusses in the book with so much grace. Her strong convictions matter and she manages to deliver them in a manner that’s somehow not overwhelming, daunting and seemingly so much larger than us.

It’s funny, the more I get to “know” people through their weight loss blogs, the more I see so many similar sentiments that are expressed regularly. One of the things that I have especially notice is that many overweight people seem to be in the same boat as me – we could tell you nutritional and food information up on side and down the other. The challenge continues to be in applying that information to our own lives. I have a feeling that if you’re reading this post because you have a blog of your own or just a general interest in weight loss or food issues, much of this information is probably not new to you. I still felt like sharing, though – just in case it might help someone out there who wants to start to gather more knowledge about the food we consume.

Along with this book, some other resources that you might like if you’re also looking to learn more about our food sources and the larger impact that our diets have:

• Michael Pollan’s The Omnivore’s Dilemma: A Natural history of Four Meals, In Defense of Food: An Eater’s Manifesto and Food Rules: An Eater’s Manual
• Barbara Kingsolver’s Animal, Vegetable, Miracle
• Eric Schlosser’s Fast Food Nation
• Carlo Petrini’s Slow Food Nation: Why Our Food Should Be Good, Clean and Fair
• Eric Schlosser’s documentary Food, Inc.
• The documentaries King Corn and Super Size Me
• Food Week – a blog post in one of my favorite, thoughtful, inspiring blogs – Aura Joon
• You Are What You Eat and Just Eat Food – two fantastic family-focused food posts on In the Little Red House
• Grocery List Part 1 – also family-focused – at The Clean Eating Mama – looking forward to more from her!

So, that’s my list. For now. There’s more – always more. But that’s my list for today. Have more to share with me? I’d love it! It all makes me even more excited to get started on our garden – I can’t wait to get digging in the dirt!

• “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I’m not fat from the meals I choose to eat. I’m not fat from a nice plate of really delicious food. I’m fat because I eat too many seconds. I’m fat from eating too much in private (snacking) and I’m fat from too many calorie dense sweets.”

I have literally said that phrase more times than I can count – and it started with my mom saying it. I believe wholeheartedly in eating wholesome, nutrient-dense food that isn’t processed. If you look in our fridge, you’ll see spinach, arugula, peppers, oranges, celery, carrots, grapes, hummus, whole wheat tortilla, cheese, organic yogurt and milk. You might open our fridge and do a double-take back at me and wonder how on earth I got to the size that I am on the food in our house.  So, while I’m thinking of it, let’s delve in, shall we?

1. I eat too much. All of my servings are easily double what I need. Even when I eat the healthiest things, too much is too much – it’s still creating a surplus of calories in my body, and weight loss is at it’s core a math equation. Calories in vs. Calories burned, and I’m still putting a whole lot more in than I’m burning!
2. I eat most of my meals alone – thus enabling the extra servings that I would never eat in front of other people. I’ve started to really try to sit down with my kids for breakfast and lunch rather than feeding them while I stand and wait for their nap time to have my lunch. Eating with them makes lunch more enjoyable and it also gives me even the slightest bit of accountability – even though they’re young, I just want them to see me enjoying food for nourishment in appropriate portions; then eating until not-quite-full and moving on with my day. When I don’t eat with someone else, I almost always eat in front of the computer and I am so much less mindful and present – that makes it so much easier to overeat!
3. The psychological aspects of why I eat too much are ridiculous. They go so deep and I honestly don’t know why. It’s all a tangled web of the shame aspects – even shame that I really don’t have any major psychological trauma from years past that should have caused me to go off the deep end.

A positive for today: Today was a day with the kiddos. I just could NOT get it together. That’s ok – we’ll move on. But the tv was definitely on more than our normal(which is next to never) and I happened to flip through and see that show The Doctors. There was a woman on talking about hating her spider veins. While I understand why people hate them, I’m also thankful that a positive to my current focus of just getting some weight off is that things like spider veins and stretch marks aren’t even remotely on my radar of things to care about.

p.s. I think I’m ready to get writing again. It’s the perfection thing – I want to have amazing, perfect posts to put up. But just writing on here is very clearly a great accountability tool for me. I’ve gone in circles about writing a food log on here. I read many other weight loss blogs and many have food logs as a personal accountability piece and I wonder how much it truly would help? Even maybe a separate tab where I just keep a list? I don’t know. My issue is honestly with committing to it – I’d be lying if I said I really want to world to see what I eat every single day. It makes me feel naked!

p.s.s. Reason number 53,445,46,546 for needing to lose weight: we got hammered with snow last week. I loooooove snow. Wanted to go play in. Oh wait…I don’t have a winter jacket that fits:( I’ve been wearing my husband’s discarded fleece jackets for the past two years, so on the snow day I wore his Carhart and down vest to get out with my little one and deliver cookies to neighbors. Believe me, I looked *super* cute:( I have a really nice winter coat, but it doesn’t do much good if I can’t zip it up in the snow!

Trying to come to terms with how much time and effort I really need to put into this. Struggling with spending so much time focused on my weight/body/food choices when there are people in the world who have their children crying for food and they don’t even know where they’ll be able to get them food, let alone how they’ll pay for it.

Yet, I need to get my health in check and to a more normalized weight so that there’s less stress on my body – my joints, my feet, my organs, my hormones, my emotions…but then I go back to feeling completely self-absorbed to spend so much time obsessed with this.

If you’re out there Readers, what do you do for yourself to create a balance between obsession and making health and the assumption of taking care of yourself a part of everyday life? I could use some input!

p.s. I’m still working on a list of 101 Reasons I’m Happy Just the Way I Am Today – care to join me?

I started a part time job a couple of weeks ago and it’s sort of thrown me for a loop. It’s so good for me because it gets me out of the house and away by myself more, plus it’s a bit of extra money. But it has also been unexpectedly unnerving because I’m working in retail(in a store where I used to be a manager) and I work with a lot of teen/college-aged girls who are CONSTANTLY talking about being fat, their hair, makeup, clothing, being fat, working out, appearance and working out. It’s mind numbingly boring to say the least, but also just so disturbing. To see such distorted perceptions(and where I started) is just so very sad. I see how much time and energy that these girls are literally wasting on worrying about looking perfect when every single one of them is an intelligent, attractive person with so many more facets than just their looks and so many other things that they could use to focus that energy of self deprecation.

I want to shake them.

Then I want to shake myself.

For being there at there age and never getting past it. For letting it get to me so much that I’ve binged like I have not in a really long time. For letting it take me to that place of shame and anger and self-consciousness when I’m around all of them.

So, all of this just to be honest. I’m struggling. Surprisingly, it’s not so much because of Thanksgiving. I spent so much fantastic time with family and friends and the food took such a back seat to how wonderful it was to be with so many people I never get to see! Plus, honestly, I’m not fat because I enjoy a Thanksgiving meal once a year. It’s the other meals when I eat too many servings, too many meals that weren’t even needed in the first place, too much mindless easting, too many binges because of overwhelming emotions, too many choices that aren’t giving my body the nutrition it needs and not getting up off of my tush and getting moving enough on a daily basis!

Do you ever just get so angry at yourself and need to walk away from the norm a bit? I’ve been feeling that lately. Angry and upset with myself that I’ve gotten myself to such a position that it takes so much out of me – physically, emotionally, spiritually – to keep up with getting myself to a healthier place. I know that this is all one day and one step at a time, but there have been so many days lately that I just get upset with myself for being where I am in the first place. I know, I know – not much I can do about that now an whining about it isn’t changing anything. But I don’t mean this in the sense of just a small, “Oh poor me, I’m so fat” sense.

Here’s what I mean: there are so many things in my life that seem so much more important. I’m not saying my health isn’t important – God only knows how blessed I am to be happy and healthy as a whole. There are just so many things that matter to me that I want to focus my time and energy on, but I only have so much that I can do in a day. My family comes first and with two little ones, it doesn’t leave a ton of extra time. So I get angry that I even have to spend so much time and energy on something like weight loss and I’m really working on changing my habits so that I don’t feel such a dividing line between “weight loss” and the rest of my normal every day functions. I’m working on how to really incorporate the lifestyle changes I need so that they just become a norm and I just assume that I need to take care of myself and eat well and move my body, just the same as I need to brush my teeth and take a shower and make sure my kids eat healthy every day.

So that’s where I am. Sorry for the absence and sorry that this post is sort of all over the place. It’s a journey and mine is involving a lot of quiet contemplation right now and that hasn’t led to a ton of posting on here. I’m working on meditation in my life – I need more spirituality for a million different reason, but most of all because of the peace I know it brings to me.

What if we used that time and spent it living life? Having special conversations with loved ones? Giving kids extra hugs and extra trips to the park? Moving our bodies because it feels good? Taking deep, full breaths? Meditating?  Reading books we think we don’t have time to read? Sharing time with a friend? Trying a new hobby? Taking a long, hot shower or bath and curling up under a cozy blanket for some much-needed extra sleep instead of watching an extra hour of television? Cooking a delicious, nutritious meal that will keep you energized? Trying something new?

I’m challenging everyone reading this to make yourself a list of 101 Reasons You’re Happy Just as You Are Today - including at least 25 about your body! It doesn’t need to be public or on a blog – just grab a piece of paper and start writing. {If you’re putting it out there publicly on your blog – let me know! Send me a link and I’d love to add it to my list to share of all of the Loving Lists!}

Since I started my list, I can’t even begin to express to you how much it’s made me more aware of how much time I’m spending focused on the negative. Every time I add something to my list, I feel more and more free from wasting time worrying about such mundane things and what others think about me or my decisions and better and better about JUST LIVING LIFE – HAPPILY.

I’m realizing more and more that so many things are tied to this all or nothing obsession with things being perfect. This applies so much to exercise. I have this idea in my mind that I need to run and I need to do intense workouts and it all just seems so overwhelming. So what do I do? Nothing! Literally. Yes, I do need the big workouts. But I also need ANY movement of my body!

So, as I was blog hopping, I found this post by simpledaisy and this quote really sparked something for me:

“A vigorous five-mile walk will do more good for an unhappy but otherwise healthy adult than all the medicine and psychology in the world.” ~ Paul Dudley White

SO TRUE. So so so true. I love the word “vigorous” in there. It conveys strength and energy and just taking a huge deep breath – all of the things that we need to gain from exercise and using our bodies. I spend my time not exercising and not just moving my body nearly enough out of the {ridiculous} fear of not being capable of doing the unrealistic goals I have in my mind when I could simply be taking a walk daily and doing something more than nothing!

So, I’m setting a goal of getting out for a walk every single day. Even if it’s 10 minutes to take my kids to the park and back or just go around the block, it will be fresh air and good for me mentally and physically. Plus, we all know that the biggest challenge is taking the first step. Getting out there every day inevitably leads to increasingly more steps and more energy and it can just potentially snowball from there into incredible workouts.

First, though, I just need to go for a walk. One step at a time.

There’s so much talk about Fat-Talk Free Week and it’s all so positive. I think a huge part of that positiveness is that the lack of Fat-Talk also means that it’s less for young girls to be hearing and internalizing and taking through life with them. If I can make myself healthier and stop even one minute of my daughter doing that to herself, every difficult step of this weight loss journey will be worth itself a million times over.