Here’s the thing: What you think or perceive about where I am in my weight loss journey doesn’t matter. Whether you think I’m huge, obese, small, cute, ugly, beautiful is all relative. It’s not about what anyone else would think of what I put into my mouth or how the clothes I wear fit me. It’s about how I feel. It’s about the psychological aspects of all of this that matter so very much.  This is something that I have to come to terms with very slowly and that I still struggle with on a daily basis.

When I talk about my struggles with weight with people, often I get the comment, “But you have two babies!”  The funny thing is that when I was pregnant and right after is when I  was eating the healthiest and at my lowest weights that I’ve been in years. I had some fantastic morning sickness that lasted 24/7 through my entire first pregnancy and most of my second. With my first, I lost 30 lbs in the first 16 weeks until the doctor put me on meds so that I could b a functional human being on a daily basis. I weighed less the day I went to the hospital to have her than I did before I got pregnant. I then lost another 40 lbs within a month of having her with no effort. Then I got to enjoy having my gallbladder removed in part because of the extreme loss and gain that I had experienced in just a matter of months. With my second pregnancy, I lost 20 lbs in the firs 10ish weeks, got some meds sooner than the last time and again went to the hospital to have him weighing less than I did before I got pregnant. Then I lost another 25ish pounds within a month of having him.

The following pictures may not look like a huge difference to your eyes, but to me they’re huge. They’re the difference of a fluctuation in about 60 lbs, the difference of being very close to 200lbs and the difference of fitting into clothing that I can buy in a normal-sized clothing store without feeling like a human sausage. The difference of not feeling uncomfortable in my own skin and being able to fit better into seats in public and booths in a restaurant.

After Pregnancy #1:

3 Months Later:

1 Month Before Pregnancy #2:

Right After Pregnancy #2:

3 Months (and some AWESOME PPD) after that:

Now:

Setting realistic goals is a huge part of this journey. I sometimes stop and think about how much I’d need to lose to get to my ultimate goal. It’s daunting and overwhelming. I know that I need to keep that as a long-term goal, but I also need to remember how good even a 1 or 2 or 3 lb loss feels. And how great it feels to fit into clothing just one size smaller. And that all of this is going to happen one baby step at a time.

I’m witnessing my almost 1 year old son learn to walk right now. It’s funny how we think of babies in terms of what they can or cannot do. In reality, it’s never that black and white – just like weight loss. For a very few babies, one day they get up, take steps and take off walking. But for most, it’s a gradual process. First they stand up on their own. Then a few days or weeks later, they tentatively put out their foot and realize that they can transfer their balance and weight to that foot. Then they launch themselves forward a few times trying to do this. Then they try and just drop to their knees because crawling is still just so much more efficient. Then they start to slowly make their way through their worlds holding onto things while walking much more quickly. Then they let go of holding on and take one step to a close object (or maybe to you if you’re lucky!). Then, when they’re not paying attention one day, they just take another step…and then another…then fall. Suddenly they’re taking 3 or 4 or 5 steps in a row with a big smile on their faces! Talk about Taking Baby Steps. While all of this is considered “walking,” it’s still taking tiny steps over the course of a few days or weeks or months until they’re actually using walking as their main form of transportation.

So, I’m keeping it in perspective. Focusing on the positive changes and using them as a catalyst for more changes in my life. Not perfection, but one small step at a time over time is going to get me healthier and feeling better – and THAT is truly the ultimate goal, regardless of any number on the scale.

Things I’m Doing Well/Better:

• I’ve cut back massively on my diet soda consumption in the past 2-ish months. I could easily drink a 2 liter bottle i na day or two and now I never buy it while I grocery shop and if I want it, I’ve called John on his way home from work to get it. So maybe a bottle every two weeks now and I let myself get it if I go out to eat.
• Education. I have done so much in the way of reading and exploring educating myself about food in many ways. food for myself, food for my family, wholesome and nutritious meals that are relatively fast to pull together. Documentaries. Just generally filling myself with information to stay motivated.
• We have many more veggies in the house.
• We have tons less junk in the house. Mostly, we have hardly any, but I still slip sometimes. I’d say that 90% of the time, though, I’m better about knowing what foods I just CANNOT have around and keeping them away completely.
• We’ve started a garden!! I seriously cannot even begin to put into words how amazing this feels. Learning about growth and connecting to where our food is coming from just feels so good and right and motivating and generally like a breath of fresh air!
• Reading tons on the psychological aspects of changing habits and mentalities surrounding food and unhealthy lifestyle choices. Next up is going to be to get myself to a good counselor, I’m just having a hard time reconciling the cost in our very very tight budget right now. So, in the interim, I’m at least trying to do some deep reading and going through some cognitive behavior therapy techniques and exercises to keep myself on my toes.
• I’ve been just telling myself “NO” when the need-for-instant-gratification hits and leads me in the direction of junk. It’s amazing how it actually works!

Things I Need to Work On:

• Drive Thrus. Oh Lordy Lordy LORDY. I’m better – so much better than I have been in the past. But they suck me in like no other mindless habit in my life!
• Eating in front of the tv and especially in front of the computer.
• Portion sizes. I can do all of the learning and reading I want – I need to STOP putting so much food into my mouth!
• Exercise. I need to do a lot more of it. A LOT.
• I need to stop getting drinks when I go to work. I work part-time in the evenings and on the weekends and it’s killer to go through a drive thru or just get a drink. Most of the time it’s just a diet soda(Hey- there’s a Sonic and they have fountain Diet Dr.Pepper, man!) but it’s still usually a habit and not a treat and I need water so much more.

So there you have it. There’s plenty more that I’m changing for the better and that I need to change on a much larger scale. I’m just keeping in mind that his is a journey and I’m in it to change and feel better physically and emotionally, not just to lose weight and continue a cycle of losing and gaining.

The Components:

• 1+cup baby spinach
• 1+cup arugula
• 1/8 cup sliced almonds
• 1/8 cup dried cherries
• 1/8 cup crumbled Gorgonzola cheese
• 2t red wine vinegar
• 1t olive oil

WW Points: 6

I didn’t have any mushrooms, but portabello mushrooms would have made a really fantastic earthy and mellow addition of texture to the flavors without a ton of calories/points.

I meant to take a picture to add, but I ate it and forgot.

2. Today is my birthday – my own mental mark for the “start” of my goal of losing 100lbs in 2 years by my 30th birthday(the reason I started this blog). It has been a year very full of living, so I thought I’d share a bit more just in case you don’t know me in real life and you’re reading this.

Since my last birthday:

• I started(well, Aug 08) and closed an online store(closed because it was keeping me so busy – sounds weird, but it was just too much and not enough return for the time it was taking from my family)
• We moved across the country from CO to PA
• We lived in my parents’ basement with the husband and a toddler for 5 months while house hunting
• My dad had surgery for prostate cancer and had a heart attack while in the hospital for his surgery(and is now doing very well)
• We bought our first house!
• We moved into our first house.
• We ad a new baby a week later(and all of the above included hyperemesis until about 30 weeks of pregnancy and after that still regular nausea on a daily basis until he was born)
• A 2nd Birthday for my Big Girl

All of that in addition to our normal daily life. My heart and hands have been so blessed and so very full. It’s been a lot and a big part of me needing to lost weight is also me needing to focus on taking care of myself in general. Along with that has been a big swing of gain and loss. I started my pregnancy in the summer of 2008 at 264lbs. I got as low as about 235lbs. while I was pregnant because of being so sick, then by the time I delivered him(March 29, 2009) I was hovering back around 260lbs. Withing a month(end of April 2009), I was down to 237.4 when I officially started tracking my weight for Weight Watchers again. In the 6 months since then, I’m back up to close to the 265 mark. Oy.

WHAT HAVE  I BEEN DOING TO MYSELF? Seriously! I had basically the same pattern of gain/loss/gain when I was pregnant with my daughter and wound up having to have my gallbladder removed 3 months after she was born!

This is all what lead up to starting this blog. Getting down to business. Setting concrete goals for myself. 28 is going to be GREAT:) I started my day with a rainy trip to the market for a treat bagel and light cream cheese and iced coffee for breakfast, some yummy fingerling potatoes and turnips to roast and some tuna/artichoke/capers/lemon(no mayo) tuna salad for lunch. Not entirely sure that it’s low-cal, but it’s certainly nutritious and better for me than what my previous normal go-to “treat” of McD’s would have been!

This week I will: {My Goals for the Healthy You Challenge Check In}

• Write down every morsel of food that goes into my mouth.
• Go for a walk in the neighborhood twice.
• Go for a family weekend walk again.
• Go to the gym for at least 45 minutes twice.
• Buy myself some much needed new running shoes. I’ve had the same pair for almost 4 years…for real. They still look like they’re in good shape because they’ve gotten such little love, but I think that even with little love it’s time to retire them and get a new pair!

My Major Goals For the Next Year:

• Run at least one 5k
• Lose 50lbs(hopefully more, but I’m trying to be realistic and 1lb a week is slow, steady, attainable loss).

I wander into the kitchen mindlessly opening the fridge for something to eat and never grab the healthy options right in front of me. In the past week (or so) I’ve started grabbing these things and it’s coinciding with more exercise to create the week that I’ve felt better and more energetic than I have in literally YEARS.

Things I’ve started to grab when I want to shove something in my mouth:

-Baby Carrots

-Celery

-Pepper Strips

-A banana

-An apple

-A yogurt

Seriously, the only thing on that list that I was really eating before is the apple. I have texture issues sometimes, so I just didn’t love to eat a banana or yogurt. WHATEVER. I just told myself to get the heck over it and deal with the texture so that I’m not dealing with the “texture” of cottage cheese on my arse as a result of liking the “texture” of a McD’s cheeseburger and french fries more than a banana. Plus, it’s cheaper and I don’t have to waste gas driving to get a banana since it’s already in my kitchen.

Lesson learned.

• I went to a wedding and actually made conscious decisions about the food I chose.
• I joined the gym and actually went!
• I didn’t eat fast food once. I don’t think I even went through a drive-thru window(except maybe Starbucks for a Sugar-Free/Fat-Free Cinnamon Dolce Latte;).
• I got myself a few new sports bras and t-shirts to stay motivated and not feel slobbish going to the gym(so that I can’t use that as an excuse!).
• Oh, yeah – and I started this blog!! Can I please just state for the record how much I can’t believe I was missing out on in the blogging world?? There are so so so many amazing and inspiring weight loss blogs out there and I am so glad I started searching around for them. It’s such incredible motivation and support to see how many other people are on a similar journey!
• I’m committing to signing up today for the FitBloggin Conference in March. I know I’ve just started with this blog, but this will be one more source of inspiration and something to look forward to. Anyone else already making plans to be there?

All of this and I don’t even feel completely overwhelmed – I call that a successful week!

First it was because I couldn’t(and still can’t!) get my template to install correctly.

Then it was because I needed to read and read and read other weight loss blogs.

Then it was because….I don’t even know. Except, I do. I HAVE to accept this and move forward. I want to do it positively and with joy as much as possible. It’s going to be a hard journey, but the rewards will be so much greater. So while I paused to consider eating at McD’s “one more time” this morning, I thought about having that much more to lost and stopped.

That’s where I think I’ll start.

Instead of going to McD’s(with a baby who needs a nap and a toddler with a cold, both who don’t need to go anywhere!), I started catching up on some blogs. As I was reading, I came across this post by Diane at Fit To the Finish and something in these words just touched me:

“Day after day I found myself uncovering forgotten willpower, lost self esteem, and hidden abilities. With each reclaimed ability my fat suit got a little less puffy. Even before I had lost all 150 pounds, I was able to reveal more and more of myself. I learned that even when I was all covered in fat I was the same Diane I had always been. It was a bittersweet lesson to learn, because I grieved for the missed  opportunities.  Part of the uncovering process was accepting what I had missed, and promising myself to miss no more.”
So, this is it. The part where I start to document my journey. I’m over wasting time worrying about my appearance, feeling like a slob, catching glimpses of myself in the mirror and feeling ashamed, not doing things because I don’t want to see someone I know who I haven’t seen in years, having hardly any pictures of myself with my husband and kids and family and friends because I can’t bear to look at them and I can’t bear for anyone else to even possibly see them…and so on and so on it goes as I’ve continued this upward spiral. I don’t want to miss out on a second more of the things I want to do in life.

Here’s my first attempt at stepping outside the comfort zone – a picture of me with my kids. Posted publicly for all of the world to see. The face that I don’t have many more pictures of these is just one more reason to get myself healthier.

Happy and comfortable with the two littlest ones who love me for me and don’t even have a concept of judging someone because of what they look like.