Here’s the thing: What you think or perceive about where I am in my weight loss journey doesn’t matter. Whether you think I’m huge, obese, small, cute, ugly, beautiful is all relative. It’s not about what anyone else would think of what I put into my mouth or how the clothes I wear fit me. It’s about how I feel. It’s about the psychological aspects of all of this that matter so very much.  This is something that I have to come to terms with very slowly and that I still struggle with on a daily basis.

When I talk about my struggles with weight with people, often I get the comment, “But you have two babies!”  The funny thing is that when I was pregnant and right after is when I  was eating the healthiest and at my lowest weights that I’ve been in years. I had some fantastic morning sickness that lasted 24/7 through my entire first pregnancy and most of my second. With my first, I lost 30 lbs in the first 16 weeks until the doctor put me on meds so that I could b a functional human being on a daily basis. I weighed less the day I went to the hospital to have her than I did before I got pregnant. I then lost another 40 lbs within a month of having her with no effort. Then I got to enjoy having my gallbladder removed in part because of the extreme loss and gain that I had experienced in just a matter of months. With my second pregnancy, I lost 20 lbs in the firs 10ish weeks, got some meds sooner than the last time and again went to the hospital to have him weighing less than I did before I got pregnant. Then I lost another 25ish pounds within a month of having him.

The following pictures may not look like a huge difference to your eyes, but to me they’re huge. They’re the difference of a fluctuation in about 60 lbs, the difference of being very close to 200lbs and the difference of fitting into clothing that I can buy in a normal-sized clothing store without feeling like a human sausage. The difference of not feeling uncomfortable in my own skin and being able to fit better into seats in public and booths in a restaurant.

After Pregnancy #1:

3 Months Later:

1 Month Before Pregnancy #2:

Right After Pregnancy #2:

3 Months (and some AWESOME PPD) after that:

Now:

Setting realistic goals is a huge part of this journey. I sometimes stop and think about how much I’d need to lose to get to my ultimate goal. It’s daunting and overwhelming. I know that I need to keep that as a long-term goal, but I also need to remember how good even a 1 or 2 or 3 lb loss feels. And how great it feels to fit into clothing just one size smaller. And that all of this is going to happen one baby step at a time.

I’m witnessing my almost 1 year old son learn to walk right now. It’s funny how we think of babies in terms of what they can or cannot do. In reality, it’s never that black and white – just like weight loss. For a very few babies, one day they get up, take steps and take off walking. But for most, it’s a gradual process. First they stand up on their own. Then a few days or weeks later, they tentatively put out their foot and realize that they can transfer their balance and weight to that foot. Then they launch themselves forward a few times trying to do this. Then they try and just drop to their knees because crawling is still just so much more efficient. Then they start to slowly make their way through their worlds holding onto things while walking much more quickly. Then they let go of holding on and take one step to a close object (or maybe to you if you’re lucky!). Then, when they’re not paying attention one day, they just take another step…and then another…then fall. Suddenly they’re taking 3 or 4 or 5 steps in a row with a big smile on their faces! Talk about Taking Baby Steps. While all of this is considered “walking,” it’s still taking tiny steps over the course of a few days or weeks or months until they’re actually using walking as their main form of transportation.

So, I’m keeping it in perspective. Focusing on the positive changes and using them as a catalyst for more changes in my life. Not perfection, but one small step at a time over time is going to get me healthier and feeling better – and THAT is truly the ultimate goal, regardless of any number on the scale.

Things I’m Doing Well/Better:

• I’ve cut back massively on my diet soda consumption in the past 2-ish months. I could easily drink a 2 liter bottle i na day or two and now I never buy it while I grocery shop and if I want it, I’ve called John on his way home from work to get it. So maybe a bottle every two weeks now and I let myself get it if I go out to eat.
• Education. I have done so much in the way of reading and exploring educating myself about food in many ways. food for myself, food for my family, wholesome and nutritious meals that are relatively fast to pull together. Documentaries. Just generally filling myself with information to stay motivated.
• We have many more veggies in the house.
• We have tons less junk in the house. Mostly, we have hardly any, but I still slip sometimes. I’d say that 90% of the time, though, I’m better about knowing what foods I just CANNOT have around and keeping them away completely.
• We’ve started a garden!! I seriously cannot even begin to put into words how amazing this feels. Learning about growth and connecting to where our food is coming from just feels so good and right and motivating and generally like a breath of fresh air!
• Reading tons on the psychological aspects of changing habits and mentalities surrounding food and unhealthy lifestyle choices. Next up is going to be to get myself to a good counselor, I’m just having a hard time reconciling the cost in our very very tight budget right now. So, in the interim, I’m at least trying to do some deep reading and going through some cognitive behavior therapy techniques and exercises to keep myself on my toes.
• I’ve been just telling myself “NO” when the need-for-instant-gratification hits and leads me in the direction of junk. It’s amazing how it actually works!

Things I Need to Work On:

• Drive Thrus. Oh Lordy Lordy LORDY. I’m better – so much better than I have been in the past. But they suck me in like no other mindless habit in my life!
• Eating in front of the tv and especially in front of the computer.
• Portion sizes. I can do all of the learning and reading I want – I need to STOP putting so much food into my mouth!
• Exercise. I need to do a lot more of it. A LOT.
• I need to stop getting drinks when I go to work. I work part-time in the evenings and on the weekends and it’s killer to go through a drive thru or just get a drink. Most of the time it’s just a diet soda(Hey- there’s a Sonic and they have fountain Diet Dr.Pepper, man!) but it’s still usually a habit and not a treat and I need water so much more.

So there you have it. There’s plenty more that I’m changing for the better and that I need to change on a much larger scale. I’m just keeping in mind that his is a journey and I’m in it to change and feel better physically and emotionally, not just to lose weight and continue a cycle of losing and gaining.

• “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I’m not fat from the meals I choose to eat. I’m not fat from a nice plate of really delicious food. I’m fat because I eat too many seconds. I’m fat from eating too much in private (snacking) and I’m fat from too many calorie dense sweets.”

I have literally said that phrase more times than I can count – and it started with my mom saying it. I believe wholeheartedly in eating wholesome, nutrient-dense food that isn’t processed. If you look in our fridge, you’ll see spinach, arugula, peppers, oranges, celery, carrots, grapes, hummus, whole wheat tortilla, cheese, organic yogurt and milk. You might open our fridge and do a double-take back at me and wonder how on earth I got to the size that I am on the food in our house.  So, while I’m thinking of it, let’s delve in, shall we?

1. I eat too much. All of my servings are easily double what I need. Even when I eat the healthiest things, too much is too much – it’s still creating a surplus of calories in my body, and weight loss is at it’s core a math equation. Calories in vs. Calories burned, and I’m still putting a whole lot more in than I’m burning!
2. I eat most of my meals alone – thus enabling the extra servings that I would never eat in front of other people. I’ve started to really try to sit down with my kids for breakfast and lunch rather than feeding them while I stand and wait for their nap time to have my lunch. Eating with them makes lunch more enjoyable and it also gives me even the slightest bit of accountability – even though they’re young, I just want them to see me enjoying food for nourishment in appropriate portions; then eating until not-quite-full and moving on with my day. When I don’t eat with someone else, I almost always eat in front of the computer and I am so much less mindful and present – that makes it so much easier to overeat!
3. The psychological aspects of why I eat too much are ridiculous. They go so deep and I honestly don’t know why. It’s all a tangled web of the shame aspects – even shame that I really don’t have any major psychological trauma from years past that should have caused me to go off the deep end.

A positive for today: Today was a day with the kiddos. I just could NOT get it together. That’s ok – we’ll move on. But the tv was definitely on more than our normal(which is next to never) and I happened to flip through and see that show The Doctors. There was a woman on talking about hating her spider veins. While I understand why people hate them, I’m also thankful that a positive to my current focus of just getting some weight off is that things like spider veins and stretch marks aren’t even remotely on my radar of things to care about.

p.s. I think I’m ready to get writing again. It’s the perfection thing – I want to have amazing, perfect posts to put up. But just writing on here is very clearly a great accountability tool for me. I’ve gone in circles about writing a food log on here. I read many other weight loss blogs and many have food logs as a personal accountability piece and I wonder how much it truly would help? Even maybe a separate tab where I just keep a list? I don’t know. My issue is honestly with committing to it – I’d be lying if I said I really want to world to see what I eat every single day. It makes me feel naked!

p.s.s. Reason number 53,445,46,546 for needing to lose weight: we got hammered with snow last week. I loooooove snow. Wanted to go play in. Oh wait…I don’t have a winter jacket that fits:( I’ve been wearing my husband’s discarded fleece jackets for the past two years, so on the snow day I wore his Carhart and down vest to get out with my little one and deliver cookies to neighbors. Believe me, I looked *super* cute:( I have a really nice winter coat, but it doesn’t do much good if I can’t zip it up in the snow!

• I went to a wedding and actually made conscious decisions about the food I chose.
• I joined the gym and actually went!
• I didn’t eat fast food once. I don’t think I even went through a drive-thru window(except maybe Starbucks for a Sugar-Free/Fat-Free Cinnamon Dolce Latte;).
• I got myself a few new sports bras and t-shirts to stay motivated and not feel slobbish going to the gym(so that I can’t use that as an excuse!).
• Oh, yeah – and I started this blog!! Can I please just state for the record how much I can’t believe I was missing out on in the blogging world?? There are so so so many amazing and inspiring weight loss blogs out there and I am so glad I started searching around for them. It’s such incredible motivation and support to see how many other people are on a similar journey!
• I’m committing to signing up today for the FitBloggin Conference in March. I know I’ve just started with this blog, but this will be one more source of inspiration and something to look forward to. Anyone else already making plans to be there?

All of this and I don’t even feel completely overwhelmed – I call that a successful week!