Losing Half, Gaining More

You might think I would have quit by now. But, I haven’t. You might even scratch your head and wonder how I can even still consider myself “losing” if you look at the numbers on my progress page. In almost a year, I’ve gone to 33 Weight Watchers meetings.  Many people might consider that a huge waste of money(considering that I’ve gained weight in that year and haven’t lost.)  I consider it the single largest factor in me not gaining even more weight than I have in the past year and I’m so thankful and glad for that.

Here’s the thing: What you think or perceive about where I am in my weight loss journey doesn’t matter. Whether you think I’m huge, obese, small, cute, ugly, beautiful is all relative. It’s not about what anyone else would think of what I put into my mouth or how the clothes I wear fit me. It’s about how I feel. It’s about the psychological aspects of all of this that matter so very much.  This is something that I have to come to terms with very slowly and that I still struggle with on a daily basis.

When I talk about my struggles with weight with people, often I get the comment, “But you have two babies!”  The funny thing is that when I was pregnant and right after is when I  was eating the healthiest and at my lowest weights that I’ve been in years. I had some fantastic morning sickness that lasted 24/7 through my entire first pregnancy and most of my second. With my first, I lost 30 lbs in the first 16 weeks until the doctor put me on meds so that I could b a functional human being on a daily basis. I weighed less the day I went to the hospital to have her than I did before I got pregnant. I then lost another 40 lbs within a month of having her with no effort. Then I got to enjoy having my gallbladder removed in part because of the extreme loss and gain that I had experienced in just a matter of months. With my second pregnancy, I lost 20 lbs in the firs 10ish weeks, got some meds sooner than the last time and again went to the hospital to have him weighing less than I did before I got pregnant. Then I lost another 25ish pounds within a month of having him.

The following pictures may not look like a huge difference to your eyes, but to me they’re huge. They’re the difference of a fluctuation in about 60 lbs, the difference of being very close to 200lbs and the difference of fitting into clothing that I can buy in a normal-sized clothing store without feeling like a human sausage. The difference of not feeling uncomfortable in my own skin and being able to fit better into seats in public and booths in a restaurant.

After Pregnancy #1:

3 Months Later:

1 Month Before Pregnancy #2:

Right After Pregnancy #2:

3 Months (and some AWESOME PPD) after that:

Now:

Setting realistic goals is a huge part of this journey. I sometimes stop and think about how much I’d need to lose to get to my ultimate goal. It’s daunting and overwhelming. I know that I need to keep that as a long-term goal, but I also need to remember how good even a 1 or 2 or 3 lb loss feels. And how great it feels to fit into clothing just one size smaller. And that all of this is going to happen one baby step at a time.

I’m witnessing my almost 1 year old son learn to walk right now. It’s funny how we think of babies in terms of what they can or cannot do. In reality, it’s never that black and white – just like weight loss. For a very few babies, one day they get up, take steps and take off walking. But for most, it’s a gradual process. First they stand up on their own. Then a few days or weeks later, they tentatively put out their foot and realize that they can transfer their balance and weight to that foot. Then they launch themselves forward a few times trying to do this. Then they try and just drop to their knees because crawling is still just so much more efficient. Then they start to slowly make their way through their worlds holding onto things while walking much more quickly. Then they let go of holding on and take one step to a close object (or maybe to you if you’re lucky!). Then, when they’re not paying attention one day, they just take another step…and then another…then fall. Suddenly they’re taking 3 or 4 or 5 steps in a row with a big smile on their faces! Talk about Taking Baby Steps. While all of this is considered “walking,” it’s still taking tiny steps over the course of a few days or weeks or months until they’re actually using walking as their main form of transportation.

So, I’m keeping it in perspective. Focusing on the positive changes and using them as a catalyst for more changes in my life. Not perfection, but one small step at a time over time is going to get me healthier and feeling better – and THAT is truly the ultimate goal, regardless of any number on the scale.

Things I’m Doing Well/Better:

• I’ve cut back massively on my diet soda consumption in the past 2-ish months. I could easily drink a 2 liter bottle i na day or two and now I never buy it while I grocery shop and if I want it, I’ve called John on his way home from work to get it. So maybe a bottle every two weeks now and I let myself get it if I go out to eat.
• Education. I have done so much in the way of reading and exploring educating myself about food in many ways. food for myself, food for my family, wholesome and nutritious meals that are relatively fast to pull together. Documentaries. Just generally filling myself with information to stay motivated.
• We have many more veggies in the house.
• We have tons less junk in the house. Mostly, we have hardly any, but I still slip sometimes. I’d say that 90% of the time, though, I’m better about knowing what foods I just CANNOT have around and keeping them away completely.
• We’ve started a garden!! I seriously cannot even begin to put into words how amazing this feels. Learning about growth and connecting to where our food is coming from just feels so good and right and motivating and generally like a breath of fresh air!
• Reading tons on the psychological aspects of changing habits and mentalities surrounding food and unhealthy lifestyle choices. Next up is going to be to get myself to a good counselor, I’m just having a hard time reconciling the cost in our very very tight budget right now. So, in the interim, I’m at least trying to do some deep reading and going through some cognitive behavior therapy techniques and exercises to keep myself on my toes.
• I’ve been just telling myself “NO” when the need-for-instant-gratification hits and leads me in the direction of junk. It’s amazing how it actually works!

Things I Need to Work On:

• Drive Thrus. Oh Lordy Lordy LORDY. I’m better – so much better than I have been in the past. But they suck me in like no other mindless habit in my life!
• Eating in front of the tv and especially in front of the computer.
• Portion sizes. I can do all of the learning and reading I want – I need to STOP putting so much food into my mouth!
• Exercise. I need to do a lot more of it. A LOT.
• I need to stop getting drinks when I go to work. I work part-time in the evenings and on the weekends and it’s killer to go through a drive thru or just get a drink. Most of the time it’s just a diet soda(Hey- there’s a Sonic and they have fountain Diet Dr.Pepper, man!) but it’s still usually a habit and not a treat and I need water so much more.

So there you have it. There’s plenty more that I’m changing for the better and that I need to change on a much larger scale. I’m just keeping in mind that his is a journey and I’m in it to change and feel better physically and emotionally, not just to lose weight and continue a cycle of losing and gaining.

If you’re looking for some Good Food motivation, here’s one that doesn’t seem to be at the forefront of discussions: Harvest for Hope: A Guide to Mindful Eating by Jane Goodall.

I’ve been spending quite a bit of time on food research lately to understand exactly what it is that I’m putting into my body(and my family’s bodies). This is the book that sparked it all for me 5 years ago(can it really be that long??) and I decided to re-visit, knowing how much it moved me. It began my desire to not just lose weight, but to learn about and appreciate the fuel that I eat daily. It also sparked for me an intense desire to understand the larger global impact of the food that we eat and that we can so readily access here in the U.S. It was an incredible introduction for me because Jane Goodall is amazing – her gentle nature and  beautiful voice convey the things that she discusses in the book with so much grace. Her strong convictions matter and she manages to deliver them in a manner that’s somehow not overwhelming, daunting and seemingly so much larger than us.

It’s funny, the more I get to “know” people through their weight loss blogs, the more I see so many similar sentiments that are expressed regularly. One of the things that I have especially notice is that many overweight people seem to be in the same boat as me – we could tell you nutritional and food information up on side and down the other. The challenge continues to be in applying that information to our own lives. I have a feeling that if you’re reading this post because you have a blog of your own or just a general interest in weight loss or food issues, much of this information is probably not new to you. I still felt like sharing, though – just in case it might help someone out there who wants to start to gather more knowledge about the food we consume.

Along with this book, some other resources that you might like if you’re also looking to learn more about our food sources and the larger impact that our diets have:

• Michael Pollan’s The Omnivore’s Dilemma: A Natural history of Four Meals, In Defense of Food: An Eater’s Manifesto and Food Rules: An Eater’s Manual
• Barbara Kingsolver’s Animal, Vegetable, Miracle
• Eric Schlosser’s Fast Food Nation
• Carlo Petrini’s Slow Food Nation: Why Our Food Should Be Good, Clean and Fair
• Eric Schlosser’s documentary Food, Inc.
• The documentaries King Corn and Super Size Me
• Food Week – a blog post in one of my favorite, thoughtful, inspiring blogs – Aura Joon
• You Are What You Eat and Just Eat Food – two fantastic family-focused food posts on In the Little Red House
• Grocery List Part 1 – also family-focused – at The Clean Eating Mama – looking forward to more from her!

So, that’s my list. For now. There’s more – always more. But that’s my list for today. Have more to share with me? I’d love it! It all makes me even more excited to get started on our garden – I can’t wait to get digging in the dirt!

A friend shared this link from Cheeky Lotus about being a role model for her daughter and I just needed to share. I worry every single day about how my weight issues are going to effect my kids and it’s a big part of why I NEED to do this for myself NOW. I need to take care of myself and be an example of healthy and reasonable and realistic beauty – I deserve it and my kids deserve it.

There’s so much talk about Fat-Talk Free Week and it’s all so positive. I think a huge part of that positiveness is that the lack of Fat-Talk also means that it’s less for young girls to be hearing and internalizing and taking through life with them. If I can make myself healthier and stop even one minute of my daughter doing that to herself, every difficult step of this weight loss journey will be worth itself a million times over.

For the record, I didn’t eat a single piece of candy when we celebrated Halloween on Friday(a party and Trick or Treating). I knew if I started with even one, it would be all over. Thankfully, the little bees were tuckered out after only a few houses and didn’t get much loot as far as candy – that was nice. They did get a full size Crunch bar, though. So instead of a ton of little pieces here and there, I ate an entire Crunch bar on Saturday, enjoyed it and moved on. Progress. This is progress chugging right along on the journey everyone! Weigh in is tonight. I haven’t done so great this week, so I won’t be surprised if the scale reflects that.

We seriously need to do this more! It was a gorgeous fall day on Sunday and it was so nice to get outside together. This is my favorite sort of exercise and, sadly, I don’t even slightly do enough of it. It’s kind of sad, but during the week I’m always really hesitant to take the kids out by myself on a walk like this. The paths are desolate and I *know* nothing would happen, but it’s still sort of unnerving. I try really hard not to let anxiety get the best of my in parenting, but this is one instance where I can’t shake it, which is sad because increased exercise of any kind would be a huge improvement for me. For now, though, we’ll stick to walks in the neighborhood when we’re not all together – that’s definitely something more than nothing!

And we didn’t forget the little one – he was just in his own happy spot:

I went to my cousins wedding in Philadelphia yesterday and had such a fantastic time.  We knew that it was in Old City, but didn’t really realize what that meant, which is sort of sad since it’s only about an hour and a half away from us! The hotel was literally half a block from the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall. The wedding looked out over Independence National Historic Park and Second National Bank and in such an interesting part of the city – tons of amazing shops and restaurants. We were disappointed that we didn’t have time to spend just walking around, but having a 6 month old at home who needs his food source sort of limits longer excursions for now. This was the longest I’ve left him so far and it was still just so nice to get away for more than just a couple of hours.

The food was FANTASTIC. It also helped me to realize a few things within the context of “celebrations.”  This journey that I’ve committed to has been a long time coming. I’ve been going to Weight Watchers meeting for over 4 months now without actually really keeping track of my food. But, the fact that I’ve continued to go is a huge testament to the psychological aspect of losing weight and how I’m slowly changing. This process seems so daunting and overwhelming as a whole, but it’s the little things that I can control in a day that make me realize that I really am doing this! I really am making lots of little changes in my life, and especially in my thinking!

At the wedding, I didn’t eat perfectly by any means. But I did eat much differently than I would have in the past and that’s a really big step.

• The things that I wanted to eat that weren’t the healthiest, I took one of and just took a bite.
• If I didn’t love what I was eating after the first bite, I didn’t finish it.
• I didn’t take appetizers from servers simply because they had it in front of me.
• I didn’t try one(or more!) of everything – I chose the few things I thought I’d enjoy the most and took smaller portions of them.
• I danced about 10 times more than I otherwise would have because I knew I was burning some extra calories while having some fun.
• I also just committed to completely putting aside my normal feelings of awkward self consciousness that usually keep me from something like dancing in a social situation and it felt SO GOOD.

As a whole, I still ate much more than necessary. But I also would guess that I easily ate half as much as I may have eaten in the past and that makes me really happy. Thinking about all of this and seeing these baby steps that I am actually doing is so empowering. Believing in myself that I really can, and WILL, do this is an incredible feeling. There hasn’t been a defining/”A-HA” moment for me when I just decided that this was the point where I wasn’t turning back. I read so many weight loss success stories where people talk about the one thing that happened that flipped a switch for them, but for me it’s just been a recent consistent realization of small things that have made me realize that I truly an changing. Knowing that I can deal with each situation as it comes and take small steps to get to each thing along the way feels fantastic and it’s been a really long time since I’ve felt that about myself.