Here’s the thing: What you think or perceive about where I am in my weight loss journey doesn’t matter. Whether you think I’m huge, obese, small, cute, ugly, beautiful is all relative. It’s not about what anyone else would think of what I put into my mouth or how the clothes I wear fit me. It’s about how I feel. It’s about the psychological aspects of all of this that matter so very much.  This is something that I have to come to terms with very slowly and that I still struggle with on a daily basis.

When I talk about my struggles with weight with people, often I get the comment, “But you have two babies!”  The funny thing is that when I was pregnant and right after is when I  was eating the healthiest and at my lowest weights that I’ve been in years. I had some fantastic morning sickness that lasted 24/7 through my entire first pregnancy and most of my second. With my first, I lost 30 lbs in the first 16 weeks until the doctor put me on meds so that I could b a functional human being on a daily basis. I weighed less the day I went to the hospital to have her than I did before I got pregnant. I then lost another 40 lbs within a month of having her with no effort. Then I got to enjoy having my gallbladder removed in part because of the extreme loss and gain that I had experienced in just a matter of months. With my second pregnancy, I lost 20 lbs in the firs 10ish weeks, got some meds sooner than the last time and again went to the hospital to have him weighing less than I did before I got pregnant. Then I lost another 25ish pounds within a month of having him.

The following pictures may not look like a huge difference to your eyes, but to me they’re huge. They’re the difference of a fluctuation in about 60 lbs, the difference of being very close to 200lbs and the difference of fitting into clothing that I can buy in a normal-sized clothing store without feeling like a human sausage. The difference of not feeling uncomfortable in my own skin and being able to fit better into seats in public and booths in a restaurant.

After Pregnancy #1:

3 Months Later:

1 Month Before Pregnancy #2:

Right After Pregnancy #2:

3 Months (and some AWESOME PPD) after that:

Now:

Setting realistic goals is a huge part of this journey. I sometimes stop and think about how much I’d need to lose to get to my ultimate goal. It’s daunting and overwhelming. I know that I need to keep that as a long-term goal, but I also need to remember how good even a 1 or 2 or 3 lb loss feels. And how great it feels to fit into clothing just one size smaller. And that all of this is going to happen one baby step at a time.

I’m witnessing my almost 1 year old son learn to walk right now. It’s funny how we think of babies in terms of what they can or cannot do. In reality, it’s never that black and white – just like weight loss. For a very few babies, one day they get up, take steps and take off walking. But for most, it’s a gradual process. First they stand up on their own. Then a few days or weeks later, they tentatively put out their foot and realize that they can transfer their balance and weight to that foot. Then they launch themselves forward a few times trying to do this. Then they try and just drop to their knees because crawling is still just so much more efficient. Then they start to slowly make their way through their worlds holding onto things while walking much more quickly. Then they let go of holding on and take one step to a close object (or maybe to you if you’re lucky!). Then, when they’re not paying attention one day, they just take another step…and then another…then fall. Suddenly they’re taking 3 or 4 or 5 steps in a row with a big smile on their faces! Talk about Taking Baby Steps. While all of this is considered “walking,” it’s still taking tiny steps over the course of a few days or weeks or months until they’re actually using walking as their main form of transportation.

So, I’m keeping it in perspective. Focusing on the positive changes and using them as a catalyst for more changes in my life. Not perfection, but one small step at a time over time is going to get me healthier and feeling better – and THAT is truly the ultimate goal, regardless of any number on the scale.

Things I’m Doing Well/Better:

• I’ve cut back massively on my diet soda consumption in the past 2-ish months. I could easily drink a 2 liter bottle i na day or two and now I never buy it while I grocery shop and if I want it, I’ve called John on his way home from work to get it. So maybe a bottle every two weeks now and I let myself get it if I go out to eat.
• Education. I have done so much in the way of reading and exploring educating myself about food in many ways. food for myself, food for my family, wholesome and nutritious meals that are relatively fast to pull together. Documentaries. Just generally filling myself with information to stay motivated.
• We have many more veggies in the house.
• We have tons less junk in the house. Mostly, we have hardly any, but I still slip sometimes. I’d say that 90% of the time, though, I’m better about knowing what foods I just CANNOT have around and keeping them away completely.
• We’ve started a garden!! I seriously cannot even begin to put into words how amazing this feels. Learning about growth and connecting to where our food is coming from just feels so good and right and motivating and generally like a breath of fresh air!
• Reading tons on the psychological aspects of changing habits and mentalities surrounding food and unhealthy lifestyle choices. Next up is going to be to get myself to a good counselor, I’m just having a hard time reconciling the cost in our very very tight budget right now. So, in the interim, I’m at least trying to do some deep reading and going through some cognitive behavior therapy techniques and exercises to keep myself on my toes.
• I’ve been just telling myself “NO” when the need-for-instant-gratification hits and leads me in the direction of junk. It’s amazing how it actually works!

Things I Need to Work On:

• Drive Thrus. Oh Lordy Lordy LORDY. I’m better – so much better than I have been in the past. But they suck me in like no other mindless habit in my life!
• Eating in front of the tv and especially in front of the computer.
• Portion sizes. I can do all of the learning and reading I want – I need to STOP putting so much food into my mouth!
• Exercise. I need to do a lot more of it. A LOT.
• I need to stop getting drinks when I go to work. I work part-time in the evenings and on the weekends and it’s killer to go through a drive thru or just get a drink. Most of the time it’s just a diet soda(Hey- there’s a Sonic and they have fountain Diet Dr.Pepper, man!) but it’s still usually a habit and not a treat and I need water so much more.

So there you have it. There’s plenty more that I’m changing for the better and that I need to change on a much larger scale. I’m just keeping in mind that his is a journey and I’m in it to change and feel better physically and emotionally, not just to lose weight and continue a cycle of losing and gaining.

Tonight is my weigh in/meeting and tomorrow is the official “start” date that I intended  for myself since it’s the official mark of 2 years to my 30th birthday. I’ll report back on my loss and meeting later!